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Sunday, 22 April 2012, 3:03 PM
honey badger don't care

hello everybody! moving to wordpress, maybe i'll blog more there

http://diaeresistilde.wordpress.com

see you!




Friday, 20 April 2012, 9:56 PM

i really like my dogs! on my way back i saw this really shaggy and old golden retriever, it's not often you see a golden retriever with so much hair hahaha it looked like some bear-dog species, but it was so oldddd, walking so slowly and i felt so sad for it

and i feel so sad for jack even though he's such a loser nooby dog but he's MY loser nooby dog!! :((

recently i've been experiencing terrible moodswings and bouts of self pity and insecurity, but that's the case most of the time

saw wenxian today! made my dayyy :D




Tuesday, 17 April 2012, 3:58 PM
for no one

how is it possible that i can muster so much hate and affection for you at the same time? i'm stretching the boundaries of friendship a little too thin here. but - just for you. yep, you're something special.

full of bile

very very very hard to grapple with these mutually exclusive emotions.

your day breaks, your mind aches
you find that all the words of kindness linger on
when she no longer needs you

she wakes up, she makes up
she takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry
she no longer needs you

and in her eyes you see nothing
no sign of love behind the tears
cried for no one
a love that should have lasted years!

you want her, you need her
and yet you don't believe her when she said her love is dead
you think she needs you

and in her eyes you see nothing
no sign of love behind the tears
cried for no one
a love that should have lasted years!

you stay home, she goes out
she says that long ago she knew someone but now he's gone
she doesn't need him

your day breaks, your mind aches
there will be time when all the things she said will fil your head
you won't forget her

and in her eyes you see nothing
no sign of love behind the tears
cried for no one
a love that should have lasted years!




Monday, 16 April 2012, 11:26 PM
no one i think is in my tree

bloop bloop
bloop

i am really quite lost and directionless at the moment. i think the higher ups look at me and my grades or whatever and perceive me to be some kind, some TYPE of person but frankly i'm not. then again all those people typecasted into THOSE* roles probably don't really feel they really are those sorts of people.. i am quite confused hahahaha. the day i got the strange emails was the day i burst into tears because i didn't know how to do a math question in the practice paper, i guess i also cried because i WOULD cry over such a little thing, it was a self reinforcing sort of behaviour. thought process: agh omg how to do omg x1000 -- i'm going to freak out now -- you big noob why dyou freak out because of something like this -- I DON'T KNOW i'm a frauddd i don't know why i psychoanalyze myself to such a degree but okay. anyway wiki tells me this exists so i feel more... idk. AFFIRMED (that i'm messed up???) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome

hahhaha "illusory superiority" some people are really deluded (and i'm not saying this in a mean or judging way!!!) it's just a bit strange but okay i guess we all perceive our realities differently, who's to say that i'm always right

visited rental flats today. (anw before i talk about that can i just say that __ is really REALLY intimidating close up i feel judged!! and marcel jonathan and yj are really nice people) idk felt kind of disgusted at the way i'm living and at the disparity that exists and persists, felt slightly confused and surprised at the contempt x sort of showed (but maybe it's because he is desensitized), felt very helpless and vulnerable because a) half the time i couldn't really translate malay and dialect in my head (i think i was quite fluent in malay at three having listened to my maid and my grandmother converse though. strangely some of the vocab is still stuck in there) and b) some peoples' lives just seem so big and hopeless and ... destitute, i couldn't see any way out for them. it's terrible to feel like you live in a world with no alternatives or choices, i cannot begin to empathise but the sense? idk the vibes??? they were giving off were so overwhelming.




Sunday, 15 April 2012, 9:42 PM
undiscovered country

HELLO HELLO HELLO

#1 one direction is so adorable!!

#2 the pro-life/choice debate is so interesting but ultimately so futile don't you think? it's like contraception, abstinence etc; the catholic premises are all based on belief beyond fact, some higher truth beyond verification, there's no middle ground to be sought. in this context i don't really understand people who applaud others for personally being pro-abortion because to me it seems like that's the only obvious choice they have, there's nothing very admirable to it. it's not very impressive for someone who doesn't believe that life starts at conception to choose abortion, or that's what i think anyway. iffy! iffy! then there's the argument of how it is wrong to expect a girl unprepared for a child to raise him or her, :( :( :( the christian response is that god only gives as much as you can deal with but of course a non-believer will just rip that to shreds. no no i'm polarising both positions but well. okay imo just don't have sex if you're not ready!! it is such a massive responsibility

#3 i don't really know how much i believe in my god. borne from a lack of exposure maybe, and if that's the case the fault is completely my own. hm

#4 castigate

#5 i have a row of stuffed toys lined up on my desk! they are all really cute though not all of them have faces (see: jellyfish!)

#6 gap is proving to be quite eye opening. i really respect minister chan, from that brief two hours spent on friday observing him. on one level: his quickness, wit, clarity and obvious intelligence just shows without being too intimidating, on another: i feel like he really cares, he actually bothers, maybe i'm just naive or silly but i genuinely believe these are good people leading us. then again everyone is good on some level so maybe that isn't so much of an achievement




Saturday, 14 April 2012, 3:15 PM

i find it difficult to the point of impossibility to place a lid over my anger, even (or especially?) for you of all people. derailing derailing derailing!! hahahaha i don't know what i'm doing, i think i've kept on this cycle of anger bitterness hostility escapism for too long. i need something drastic to wake me up but then again maybe i'll end up so broken i'll just implode? this is so angsty!




Wednesday, 4 April 2012, 10:16 PM

draw what you see, write what you know. increasingly i'm finding that i don't know.

blocks grades are back but i don't feel anything except some form of empty disappointment, though everything i get is deserved. i'm greedy and i need to learn to be happy on my own.

feeling listless and tired and lost, i don't want to do work i just want to sleep; this is expending too much energy.

stupid psychometric assessments, i did badly and i hate feeling like i didn't do my best. and i hate writing what's on my mind and getting graded on it - then again if it's so private i shouldn't write about it.. but i can't write coherently about things i don't care about.




Sunday, 1 April 2012, 12:58 AM
calm

saw this quote on my newsfeed and found it interesting; upon googling i realised it's by plath. i feel interested in reading her work!!

“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.”

last worksession concluded yesterday in a hurried rush, dk surprised everyone and ordered macs fries for us yay :D i will miss this, these experiences. if not for the memories in themselves, then for the time everything council-related took place in, this phase of my life, with everything interlocking to create this patchwork of my life. maybe not even a patchwork, nothing is divided so cleanly and neatly. a weaving?

"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone i've ever known."

i wish i could memorise every quote i've come across that has touched me. sometimes i feel so incapable of expressing myself that i grasp for words other people have put together to convey some thought i believed was mine alone, but which surprises me in its universality.

council! it was interesting being part of this collective force that (idk if i'm biased) succeeded to a certain extent, most certainly in the execution of our seven events (assuming eleco ends well haha). edward was talking about his 'existentialist crisis' theory and it's interesting to think about, and it's definitely not the first time similar thoughts have crossed my mind.

i don't think i fit into council really and truly - i don't really think i fit in anywhere except with a select few who i'm so grateful for + i feel so unwieldy and awkward, so unconfident and unsociable compared to everyone else, but it's just my personality vs most other peoples' - but nonetheless the experience has been bountiful, enriching, rewarding. the pride i've come to know and enjoy without complacent anticipation; the dilemmas i've struggled with; the wonderful people i have met, some of whom i'm determined to keep close, i guess this has made the entire journey worthwhile. one of my most satisfying moments wrt council was probably during O1 campfire. ahhh (: i shall sleep now!




Friday, 30 March 2012, 10:56 PM
lex talonis

reading about religion is always very interesting, i wonder what i've been doing with my time such that i've no time to spend on reading or work.

Traditional Christian doctrine is Christocentric, meaning that Christ is held to be the sole full and true revelation of the will of God for humanity. In a Christocentric view, the elements of truth in other religions are understood in relation to the fullness of truth found in Christ. God is nevertheless understood to be free of human constructions. Therefore, God the Holy Spirit is understood as the power who guides non-Christians in their search for truth, which is held to be a search for the mind of Christ, even if "anonymously," in the phrase of Catholic theologian Karl Rahner. For those who support this view, anonymous Christians belong to Christ now and forever and lead a life fit for Jesus' commandment to love, even though they never explicitly understand the meaning of their life in Christian terms.

anonymous christians, virtuous pagans, inclusivism, extra Ecclesiam nulla salus.. i think religion is really strange.

haley is exuberant while jack is slowly retreating into old age. haley's ears are really soft! and it breaks my heart to see jack growing so lethargic and slow-moving; his patchy fur and ragged ear and increasingly cloudy eyes make me want to hug him tight before he leaves.




Tuesday, 27 March 2012, 11:14 PM
estrange

finally watched the royal tenenbaums!! :D and it didn't rain today, despite the sky being overcast for over five hours. grey clouds make me feel wary and uncomfortable though. walking under an overcast.. firmament (consciously avoiding the word sky) with winds blowing all about me causes me to get very anxious I HATE BEING CAUGHT IN THE RAIN actually, i would really like to just forget about it all but only if my bag is assuredly 100% waterproof. (taylor swift is really prettyyy)

yesterday's epic quotes: "bursting with babies", "what's the difference", "heat stroke?", "REN YAO SHOWS" hahaha.

i am a confused person, i do not know what to do, everything is too complex for me to comprehend




Sunday, 25 March 2012, 9:12 PM
the expression of a predicament

i've been watching many movies in the past three days, trying to make up for all the movies i haven't been watching for the past six months or so. watched winter's bone on friday night, and the hunger games and a single man today.

a single man was by far the most memorable of the three. tbh i watched it because i was curious to see nicholas hoult in a furry white sweater speaking in an american accent + colin firth!! and i'm glad i did, even if for the wrong reasons haha.

but really... the movie was at times incredibly self-indulgent ("a 100-minute commercial for men's ­cologne: Bereavement by Dior"), but it was so meticulous and careful, and colin firth held up the film with such a poignant performance that spoke millions with so little. maybe the cinematography was too overt and tackily obvious, but one thing i liked was how we viewed everything through george's eyes, how whenever something catches his eye the colours become more vibrant, he emerges from this monochrome stupor and sees the world in new loveliness. i liked the scenes with jim in them, i liked how lovingly and tenderly the scenes between them were: it was more than a passionate, fatuous love; it was love at first sight, which was then built upon emotional intimacy and companionship, so utterly giving and beautiful in its portrayal. also i really really liked the message the movie was centred upon, about how although life can seem so devoid of meaning at times, the moments of 'absolute clarity' and of everything being right are the things that anchor us and push us along, and how he succeeded in seeing the world in a new way when he willed himself to... i'm so full of cliches (and wow that was such a self-conscious way to end that paragraph -- THIS IS TOO ok i should stop)

also i think it's amazing that tom ford created a film about the abiding love of a man who has lost his partner of 16 years, considering how he himself has remained so lovingly committed to his own partner since 1986 (: it was a wonderful movie, I REALLY LIKED IT and i wish i could write movie reviews.

just pruned my favourite movies list, but even then i don't think it's pruned enough. my standards are really low. i should keep a list of all the movies i watch, like some people do! like, books read in 2012, movies watched in 2012, etc, etc. but i don't know where/when to start, maybe in 2013 if we're still alive!!

anyway, favourite movies that i can remember:
- the history boys
- studio ghible ones: howl's, princess mononoke
- eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
- 3 idiots
- amelie
- the talented mr ripley

and others: wes anderson films, departures, the girl who leapt through time, christopher nolan films, requiem for a dream, se7en.. a single man makes this list too, and i liked an education for showing me carey mulligan as a pseudo 16 year old hahah (somehow a lot of my favourite films have homoerotic undertones; also, this list can be alternatively titled: films that have made me bawl like a baby D:::)

ending quote from the movie:
"A few times in my life I've had moments of absolute clarity, when for a few brief seconds the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be."

films to watch!!!
- the virgin suicide
- marie antoinette

watching movies on a laptop also makes for a very interesting experience, especially if, like me, you don't full-screen the whole thing when the resolution's too low... as a result the bar thingy showing the time is always visible and it serves like some memento mori sort of reminder. whenever i look at it i know exactly how much more time the movie's going to last, when the climaxes etc are supposed to be, when i should be feeling all that carthartic emotion right before the resolution (unless the film is one of those kinda annoying ones with deliberate, odd, anticlimatic cliffhanger ending) in a way this makes me imagine how a real-time not COMPLETELY omniscient god might feel - he knows how long x is gonna take, he knows the general direction x is gonna play out, but doesn't know exactly HOW (at that point in time) + he has rewind and ff buttons so he can skip along linear time... okay idk what point i'm trying to make haha

bbb




Wednesday, 21 March 2012, 6:03 PM
bovine grace

the phrase "bovine grace" (see: title) always makes me think of a cow doing ballet. gracefully. it's really cute! anyway - entering COW MODE, going to eat up my notes (grass) and regurgitate everything tomorrow (cud)! YES. WAH. olook a conceit!!

sometimes i really miss being... unblemished, innocent, okay i was never really innocent, but well at least i never encountered these grey areas. now i'm marked by what i've done. i think i am aware - i am aware, i am aware - of what constitutes right and wrong, what i should and should not do. it's more like how i'm being utterly reckless; i ignore the consequences and go ahead anyway, regardless, pursuing short term ephemeral gratification that doesn't translate into any lasting wellbeing. chasing pleasure. i hope i don't burn in hell. culpability is mitigated by force of habit, right? well, if i willfully choose to establish a routine of immorality am i still excused?

... this is uncomfortably starting to sound v confessional ERPS

on another note, this scent makes me feel all heady and happy (:

btw i'm going to die tomorrow and i'll fully deserve it




Tuesday, 20 March 2012, 11:47 PM
belle epoque

MATH OVER!! worried agh had an internal panic attack that expressed itself in a series of weird sounds that yangyi heard OOPS SORRY but agrhghhh. worriedddd nevermind it's over i hate math i love math bleagh. hope i can pull something off, i hate how i'm so uncertain and so damn careless when i do my papers; thought promos would've been alright but obviously not erghh estimation powers fail tttmmmmmm.

SHOULD HAVE STARTED EARLIER FOR HISTORY DANG OK ITS NOT TOO LATE can i pull off a b with one day++ of studying?? aiming for straight Bs these BTs, so much for doing better in jc2.

REALLY CAN'T STAND MY HANDWRITING it's super super messyyy should practice writing more!!!

okay, my blogging is currently just a series of disjointed fragmented thoughts but that's how my brain is now - scattered, messy, frantic. I WANT STRAIGHT Bs, no, actually tbh i want grades better than that but okay, i don't deserve them. HOWWWW.

AFTER BLOCKS!!
- watch a single man and rango
- get new spectacles.. consider using my contacts more?? i have three boxes hahahah
- start making donne lit notes (hamlet lit notes???)
- settle whether or not i need econs and math tuition
- SATS II registration + get the books!

O M G anyway, i want rainbow sprinkled pancakes and i'm craving oyster meesua and milk tea again




Saturday, 17 March 2012, 2:29 PM

not goooddd

you. MEHEHGHHGHH




Monday, 12 March 2012, 1:27 AM
snow, glass, apples

just reread that story (s, g, a) and remembered why i got so disturbed by it in 2009 omg what nonsense was i consuming then?? yux and i were so mad at neil gaiman for writing it and sneaking it into the book!!! though, right, he has every prerogative. I AM GONNA GET NIGHTMARES NOW

in times like these (frightened to shut my eyes, anxious about potential nightmares, regretful re: gungho idiocy, etc) i am v grateful for the familiar comfortable comforting security that my blanket offers. thank you blanketmakers and my parents for providing me with this comfy soft downy protective shield!! *huddling*

would have posted this on my twitter but what's the point? twitter feels a bit like shouting your thoughts randomly into the air, into some internet-tethered vacuum, a bloodless godless chasm and hoping for a reply. "are you there god? it's me, margaret." it feels somewhat self-absorbed.. but then again broadcasting your thoughts generally is? ie i too am guilty... ok yes thoughts for today finito over and out!




Sunday, 11 March 2012, 12:07 AM
roundhouse kick

kapow!

**
SATs subj tests!
bleargh




Saturday, 10 March 2012, 4:44 PM
run its course

an ending! ebb and flow, constant flux, seeking permanency and constancy in this world of endless change... hmm!

had an interesting lunch/brunch today, i don't know where i'm going. and i miss you and you, why do you feel so far away i don't know how to reach you, today is a lonely day and ogosh blocks




Thursday, 8 March 2012, 10:44 PM
BE A MAN

okaaayyy GP BLOX TMR then the mugging race for blox really truly starts zomg!!

things looming up ahead:
1. pae test hrmm dont need study right
2. blocks lol yes
3. redecorate the gc board!!! (erps)
4. political cartoons assgt
5. look at pcube!! O:
6. figure out money notes AFTER BLOCKS
7. sign up for econs tuition and MATH TUITION??
8. email --- and be SHAMELESS AND THICKSKINNED ok well..!!!

~*~~

on another note, HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY! i hope the nuscs teams do well (:

We must be swift as a coursing river (BE A MAN)
With all the force of a great typhoon (BE A MAN)
With all the strength of a raging fire
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon

~*~~

the kony2012 debate has been exciting and interesting. i am more inclined to be skeptical than supportive, but then again these people are doing a lot more than i have EVER done, and it's too easy for me to sit at the sidelines and criticize fruitlessly. indeed, this is precisely what most of the blogs have been doing - arguing about the racist, self-congratulatory nature of the kony2012 movement while offering no constructive comments at all. (on a sidenote, i think the word "slacktivist" is really incredible. it packs such a punch! better than "voluntourism" at least, i don't really like that word.) i think it is important to take the objective middle-ground but of course that goes without saying hrmmmm ok things that i found interesting

FOR:
1. The fact that IC can utilize social media and modern tools unlike any charity has before is testament to their accomplishments as an organization. No charity is going to have perfect programs nor flawless allocation of funds, but the fact that they are exhibiting their thoughts and strategies so successfully on such a large scale as well as interesting so many youths (that may otherwise be completely unaware of international problems) is something to be admired and encouraged.

AGAINST:
1. Organizations like Invisible Children not only take up resources that could be used to fund more intelligent advocacy, they take up rhetorical space that could be used to develop more intelligent advocacy. And yeah, this may seem like an absurdly academic point to raise when talking about a problem that is clearly crying out for pragmatic solutions, but, uh, the way we define problems is important. Really, really important. Choosing to simplistically define Congolese women as “The Raped” and Ugandan children as “The Abducted” constrains our ability to think creatively about the problems they face, and work with them to combat these problems.

2. Is awareness good? Yes. But these problems are highly complex, not one-dimensional and, frankly, aren’t of the nature that can be solved by postering, film-making and changing your Facebook profile picture, as hard as that is to swallow. Giving your money and public support to Invisible Children so they can spend it on supporting ill-advised violent intervention and movie #12 isn’t helping. Do I have a better answer? No, I don’t, but that doesn’t mean that you should support KONY 2012 just because it’s something. Something isn’t always better than nothing. Sometimes it’s worse.

3. I understand the anger and resentment at Invisible Children’s approach, which with its paternalism has unpleasant echoes of colonialism. I will admit to being perturbed by its apparent top-down prescriptiveness, when so much diligent work is already being done at Northern Uganda’s grassroots. On the other hand, I am very happy – relieved, more than anything – that Invisible Children have raised worldwide awareness of this issue. Murderers and torturers tend to prefer anonymity, and if not that then respectability: that way, they can go about their work largely unhindered. For too many years, the subject of this trending topic on Twitter was only something that I heard about in my grandparents’ living room, as relatives and family friends gathered for fruitless and frustrated hours of discussion. Watching the video, though, I was concerned at the simplicity of the approach that Invisible Children seemed to have taken.

4. One problem: It falls into the trap, the belief that the problem is ignorance and the answer is education. When we tell more people about Kony and the LRA, something WILL happen. It’s not true. Bono, Bob Geldolf, Angelina Jolie and thousands of others have brought more attention, more education, more money to issues – it doesn’t solve them. White ignorance is not the problem. White colonialism/oppression/domination/violence (whatever you want to call it) in the past and present is. It is built on the idea that Africa needs saving – that it is the White man’s burden to do so. More education does not change the systems and structures of oppression, those that need Africa to be the place of suffering and war and saving. Part of this is the centering of our Western vision and logic. The very idea of ‘Invisible’ is ludicrous – these children were never invisible to their communities and families – only to us. It harkens back to the ‘unspoilt’ land of the new worlds where ‘no one had ever been before’ and which completely ignored the lives and realities of the Indigenous people, the Africans who had lived there for centuries before – who knew everything there was to know about this ‘untouched’ land. It is the re-centering of the West and the glossing over of those whose lives are being impacted most. We need to learn: It’s not about us. Race does matter for this reason, because of how it is constituted by history and continues to shape how we view the world.

it is v wonderful listening to people talk about things they rly believe in!! like you when you're *animated*




Wednesday, 7 March 2012, 4:21 PM
thirsty hippo

the past few days have been angsty, mixed with some random moments of happiness. lol i think i get worked up over things that don't really matter/ happen anyway, it's all in my head!! i don't know when i started being this way but well, THINGS HAPPEN RIGHT! and i don't know how to be less self-absorbed, wish things would sort themselves out and revert to the natural state of things -- then again this assumes that the natural state of things is the ideaaall idk zz

feel sad for that poor boy!! hope things work out well for him, though i don't personally know him i can't help but take his side. gosh what creepy people. but he might be some strange weird kid and maybe i'd be mean and stuff to him too, oh well hope he manages okay!! oh and also, yesterday while observing nat using his mac, i realised that pressing the SPACEBAR while you select any file will automatically bring out this preview function!!! that is super duper cool. anyway, nat works his computer like a pro, i think he is quite godly with all things tech-related.. and singing-related.. and handicraft-related!! haha remembers jt's comment about him being the perfect husband. trudat! (sim's previously most-used phrase!!) oh and learnt how to properly use the sticky out clasp thing on my wire thank you zh for coiling my charger after using it and showing me how neat it can beee!

anyway my essay is finally printeddd zzoomggg joy!! okay time to start on all the work i've been neglecting, time to figure out how to write econs essaysss omg :(

wonder how it must feel like to be POTUS or something, or idk some equally important influential public figure. okay i don't know much about IR or politics THOUGH I SHOULD hmm /thinks of wardy's post/ but yes anyway. what happens if e.g. netanyahu met ahmadinejad on uhh a plane?? though ok unlikely but yeah, what would the dynamics be like? do you think they genuinely dislike each other? wonder how much professional duties influence the way we interact with others in a personal capacity, do you think they're perfunctorily civil toward each other, can they even truly be friends, is any of the political rhetoric personally directed? maybe it's just tremendously awkward. i think it would be super super awkward for obama to meet any of the GOP candidates after they've been slamming him around like a dead fish but then again maybe this is just me projecting my own awkwardness upon other people: this is how i would act, so this is how i think you will act too... hmm they're probably mature enough to not MIND, but can they be FRIENDS!! i think these men are ultimately just men made to play roles bigger than they are; then again taking up certain positions it's not possible for them to remain *just* another person. i suppose. the pressure's on!!!

my parents are learning the piano!! for the first time!! my dad's been playing ode to joy (with one hand) for the past two hours, look at him go he's on fire~ ok but it's driving me a little nuts

enough word vomit!! time for MATH




Sunday, 4 March 2012, 10:12 PM
the lover's dictionary

bought a new book. i shouldn't have, really, considering how i have SO MANY BOOKS TO READ and so much to study ARHGHH some quotes!

ABYSS, n.
There are times when I doubt everything. When I regret everything you’ve taken from me, everything I’ve given you, and the waste of all the time I’ve spent on us.

BASIS, n.
There has to be a moment at the beginning when you wonder whether you’re in love with the person or in love with the feeling of love itself.

If the moment doesn’t pass, that’s it - you’re done.

And if the moment does pass, it never goes that far. It stands in the distance, ready for whenever you want it back. Sometimes it’s even there when you thought you were searching for something else, like an escape route, or your lover’s face.

DISPEL, v.
It was the way you said, “I have something to tell you.” I could feel the magic drain from the room.

DUMBFOUNDED, adj.
And still, for all the jealousy, all the doubt, sometimes I will be struck with a kind of awe that we’re together. That someone like me could find someone like you - it renders me wordless. Because surely words would conspire against such luck, would protest the unlikelihood of such a turn of events.

I didn’t tell any of my friends about our first date. I waited until after the second, because I wanted to make sure it was real. I wouldn’t believe it had happened until it had happened again. Then, later on, I would be overwhelmed by the evidence, by all the lines connecting you to me, and us to love.




Saturday, 3 March 2012, 12:43 AM

realised to my joy today that i've finished half the math revision booklet! ...well. YES. tomorrow i will... finish DE and complex numbers!! and highlight 1/3 history notes! life is great things will work out fine~ oh but i still have my history essay HM!! at least much of next week is freeeee, feel quite happy, like i paid off my cca debt in the eoy holidays which were fun but hellish.

jay chou's lyrics fill me with this sense of amazement. lyricist!

白色的风筝 安静的转着
真实的感觉 梦境般遥远
甜甜的海水 复杂的眼泪
看你傻笑着 握住我的手

梦希望没有尽头 我们走到这就好
因为我不想太快走完这幸福
很可惜没有祝福 梦希望没有祝福
但爱你并不孤独 不会再让你哭

我陪你走到最后 能不能不要回头
你紧紧地抱住我 说你不需要承诺
你说我若一个人会比较自由
我不懂你说什么 反正不会松手

我陪你走到最后 能不能别想太多
会不会手牵着手 晚一点才到尽头
你说不该再相见只为了瞬间
谢谢你让我听见 因为我在等待永远

seeing the seniors back today was interesting. i hope no one cries next year!!!




Wednesday, 29 February 2012, 10:42 PM

lost my extracts! oh well, i shall have to read them in school. and i really really dislike this tense feeling of, careful cautious tiptoeing, i am jealous and sighhh 绝交!!! the perpetual solution. i just want you you you and you close to me and for everyone else to keep away

am getting very stressed by perceived tension, the constant doubting monologue of "omg do you like me, are you pissed at me why are you not talking to me did i do something wrong, why do you prefer _'s company to mine OMG YOU DO, you never talk to me i'm always the one starting the conversation, why do you not treat me like i mean anything to you, do i mean anything to you oh crap oh crap this is screwed up *implodes*" EVERY SINGLE DAY almost every hour... it's very very stressful!! i don't know how to distance myself!! aaarrggghh why are we all so CONFUSING

omg this sounds terribly self-absorbed and mindless but agh crap maybe i'm just this way. okay whatever i am not going to think about this any further. this is stupid i should just shut up BYEEE




Monday, 27 February 2012, 8:47 PM
carry me home tonight

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

hmm, i don't really think we are too quiet. i enjoy this, just as other people enjoy being noisier! different people have different paths to happiness!

recently, i have started thinking more about god and faith and religion. maybe it got sparked off by talking to marcus last week, i wish i spoke to more catholics. well, at least there are a few! and i guess that's the point of church so maybe i should go there more hahaha. it also helps that fr. christopher soh's sermons speak to me, a lot more than the other two parish priests' do. but yes, recently recently recently i've been reading what other people have to say about christ, god, the church, believing, etc, and their faith is so strong and so empowering i can't help but feel awed. i think that's what it means to be a christian, a good christian - i don't believe in evangelizing too greatly, not overtly anyway. the best form of evangelisation is living a life so glad and happy in the lord that it inspires others to want to do good too. and the highest form of spreading the word is doing that to such an extent that people want to know what makes you happy, and you can tell them honestly and sincerely that it is your faith that pushes you to do all this.

but while i understand and appreciate this in my head, i cannot escape the nagging doubt in my head that religion is the 'opiate of the masses'. i could go on and on but i haven't really worked it out in my head and i don't really have the time. in the meantime... i'll try to find my way out, try harder to look. whenever coincidences take place in my life it feels as though some cosmic INVISIBLE HAND is guiding me through, perhaps this really is the case! keep searching, keep trying, even if you fail there's no net loss :D

"As for being a Christian, to me at its essence it's a change in identity. If I were to sum it up in a word, it would be redemption. And that kind of structures the teachings I live by and what the statement means to me. God made me and knows me inside out, so abiding by His principles for me makes sense because He knows me best. Also, even though I'm not worthy of it- He loves me and forgives me for my shortcomings, and works through them- so I know I don't need to succeed by this world's standards and I don't have to be afraid to be myself, or be weak- He works through me nonetheless and especially so in my moments of weaknesses. I think it's helped me to worry less in life, but also to be able to give more to others."

i need a lot more calm in my life. a lot more serenity! today was a frightening day because i couldn't get a grip on myself, had no control over my emotions; hopefully i don't experience this anytime soon.. BUT I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS

this post sounds really odd, it doesn't really sound like me. oh well! idk how i'm gonna pass blocks!!!




Saturday, 25 February 2012, 11:46 PM

狼牙月 伊人憔悴
我举杯 饮尽了风雪
是谁打翻前世柜 惹尘埃是非

缘字诀 几番轮回
你锁眉 哭红颜唤不回
纵然青史已经成灰 我爱不灭

繁华如三千东流水
我只取一瓢爱了解 只恋你化身的蝶

你发如雪 凄美了离别
我焚香感动了谁
邀明月 让回忆皎洁
爱在月光下完美

你发如雪 纷飞了眼泪
我等待苍老了谁
红尘醉 微醺的岁月
我永无悔 刻永世爱你的碑




Friday, 24 February 2012, 10:59 PM

happiness is a choice, right? right! right. i keep telling myself this. if one is unhappy, is his unhappiness deliberate? is it willful? it's confusing trying to determine how culpable we are for our states of mind. to what extent is it our own faults that we feel a certain way toward certain things?

it is strange how some people constantly react in such a predictable, heck the world imma do this shit!!! sort of way all the time. it's so negative. it intimidates me. a lot of things intimidate me though! but deep down inside we probably face the same insecurities and concerns.. but then again maybe not. who knows!

anyway, it's quite daring to be able to voice all your opinions and stand up for them and show the dafuq? face whenever anyone pisses you off etc, but it's a little irresponsible and immature as well. i am irresponsible and immature! so many people are strange!

this chain of thought was sparked by the memory of one of denise's quotes: happiness is a construction of the mind, and a state of mine! denise is inspirational hahaha everything she says resonates, somehow, it's very thought-provoking and insightful. nicole too! read her blog for the first time in who knows how long,

"surrounding yourself with people you love or just people you can talk casually to and laugh around with is fun! there’s much more happiness to go around. even if it’s fleeting because compounded fleetingness just spirals continuously and there is no time to be sad because there is also no need to be sad."




Wednesday, 22 February 2012, 9:11 PM

I NEED TO STUDY. rarhhh. keep telling myself this but agh crap i should try harder. i feel myself trying hard to run away from history, from thoughts of studying history and from studying history itself, and from econs, ack. i don't want to try because i know it'll be tough. this is a bad attitude, esther!!!

my mind is so cloistered. gosh, this is honestly the biggest thing on my mind. come on, think bigger! i demean myself by succumbing to the rat race.. or for wanting to. right now i'm nowhere.

i am grateful you people are in my life!!

on a related note.. i am so grateful for aircon and joyan for being in my life. how do people manage to finish all their notes on their own?? thank goodness for charitable friends, though - OMG HOW AM I GONNA SURVIVE UNIVERSITY ETC ETC. crap. AHH. ok ok first things first!! BYE GUYS




Sunday, 19 February 2012, 10:24 PM
everyone else but you~

i am happy :D :D :D

"library"
today i spent a fairly productive day today at the library. reached lvl 11 at about 9.50 after church (woah! achieved so much in like two hours when usually i'd be fast asleep!) and put my bag in my locker, tried to enter through the door but got stopped by the librarian who was previously talking on the phone and didn't wave me away before.. ahaha. embarrassment. i hope i didn't disrespect her or anything, i am now really paranoid about accidentally offending and annoying people of Seniority after what happened on friday (YES, STILL THINKING ABOUT IT, ACK). turned round and saw yy emerging from the toilet, felt really happy because that meant i wouldn't be alone!!! and someone would look after my laptop and IMPORTANT STUFF while i hunted for books (BWAHAHAHA I HAD BOOKS IN MIND tytyty aircon and dk and co.) but it turned out he didn't bother cos we trust that everyone who enters the library right when it opens is trustworthy.. HAHA. was umm. slacking around and stuff waiting to take cues.. omg i am such a dependent person. thank goodness yy was there today really, or i would have been so lost and frazzled. and wow he let me use the books he got!! i am perpetually amazed at how nice my friends are.. HAHAHAHAHA thanks yy even though you can't read this. zhihao turned up and gave me books too!!! :D :D :D and denise too and kenny yay class party at nlb~

anyway. i THINK i was productive i really hope it was AHAHAHHHAHAA shit now i have like 12 pages of research when other people have like... 4 page essays damn. ARGHH BOO but okay new discoveryy!! share tea is at bugis B1 YAY it replaced sweet talk (oh dear) but still. SHARE TEA PWNZ KOI aha aha ahaha okayyy weeelll yesss yay share tea!!! bought a cup on my way back and was happy :D oh and i had this weird osaka curry rice thing it was just.. carbs. starch. meh how unsatisfying. it cost me $8 because i was greedy and wanted a hamburger steak (chicken karaage would have costed $6) so it's my fault... AAHH the lian ou tang tasted nice (we drank from denise's leftovers after she left omg we are disgusting) so i will get that the next time i go there! :D

went back to the library and ran into random hc people on the way back, some whom i knew and some whom i didn't.. hrmm. didn't have any seats left so we set separately :( :( but in the end the guy between zh and i moved away and the lady next to zh went off so we three could sit together!! yay! encountered some person who had music blasting out from his/her earphones (uhm. zh says it's a man but i couldn't be sure.. i feel a bit mean for being unable to distinguish gender and zh was damn amused for awhile) for three hours ("*****..." said zh) i can't help but wonder how loud the music must actually be for me to actually hear it??? anyway it was pretty annoying listening to tinny strange altered dubstep for like three hours... BALARHGHH

YAY SHARE TEA :D

(i should stop raging. i am sorry :( )

"dancing/jiving/tham"
sometimes when my mind goes on autopilot i find myself dancing moves like jagger. jiving along! one of my favourite memories of thamsy is him jiving to raving rabbids, it's incredibly adorable!! like he just looked genuinely happy and was just dancing along to the music, there's an accompanying photo as well somewhere on fb HAHA. another favourite memory of tham would be the time when we were filling water balloons, and i stuck with him for close to two hours listening to him expound seriously3 and at length about his many opinions... such a character lol. i like councillors quite a lot, i don't really know many people very deeply or very well but i like us. you know that feeling? when you just feel comfortable. the epitome of that comfortable companionship could be found in nynp - where we felt at home even if we weren't best friends or anything - but well, this comes close enough. at the end of the day we have our own networks to return to but it's still great.

"lazyyy"
recently i have come to realise that i'm starting to use lots of ellipses when i type...... in the past i used to use them (relatively sparingly) and i always made it a point to only ONLY use two dots each time (like.. this..) but now i just hit the dot key with reckless abandon.....haahahaaahha and yes the hahas have also gotten stranger. generally i feel like i am losing control of my fingers (glendon is fat) and like blarhgh my fingers just FLOP all over the keyboard and this string of gibberish appears. the word for this is NUA3. lazy child...!!!

"happy songs"
make me happy. YAYYY! one direction makes me SMILE! and BOO to tasteless youtube videos and BOO BOO BOO to the responding comments that are not only tasteless, but are also degrading and demeaning and terribly misogynistic!!! BE ASHAMED RAORHRHRHH :( but silly people... you ask for that sort of attention :(

"jeremy lin is cool"
HE IS REALLY REALLY REALLY COOL!!! I AM INSPIRED. i hope he is as nice a person as he seems to be (:




Saturday, 18 February 2012, 9:45 PM

today was the fourth last worksession. it's flying by so quickly! but of course... "fourth last worksession" - that's just misleading, hahah considering how the bulk of what happens after april won't be worksessions, i.e. elections etc goshhh but attendance will still be compulsory! it's kind of exciting to see how everything will play out but whoa can you believe the cycle only lasts a year, we're stepping down soon! should post about council soon

hooked on the spring awakening soundtrack. WHOAAA.

today was such a crappy day hate it when i can't get ahold of my emotions properly. i am really scared about what is to come. but yes, should stop freaking out and working myself into this frenzy, buckling myself into this toboggan and pushing myself down a slippery slope argument that only leads to depressing, doom-filled thoughts. there is no point. okayyy that was a lame analogy but yes stop doing things like that esther! right now at 9.30pm everything has sorted itself out.. thank you god? i am no longer very religious (was i ever) but well. yeah. trust in things/ fate/ god/ the circle of life and it moves us all~


jiayou jiayou




Friday, 17 February 2012, 9:11 PM

it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter IT DOESN'T MATTER IT DOESN'T MATTER IT DOESN'T DOESNT DOESN'T DOESN'T MATTER

why do i take the slightest thing to potentially bring about this horrible doom? slippery slope argument, not good. oh god. ohhhhhh goddddd. AGHGHH




Tuesday, 14 February 2012, 11:15 PM

WHY IS WORK SO HARD TO GET DOWN TO FMLLL